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Starting to feel overwhelmed
I’m amazed at how much I can see now. It’s like a veil has been lifted from in front of my face. Or a cotton ball has been taken out of my ears. It’s like gloves have been taken off my hands and socks have come off my feet. I wonder why it’s so different now, so clear now. Have I always been able to know things so clearly, but just closed myself off to it? Or has my sense of foresight gotten stronger as I’ve gotten older? As I’ve gotten taller, has my instinct gotten deeper? As my muscles have gotten bigger, have my capabilities also broadened?
Have I had all this since I was five or was I not ready for it? Am I ready for it now? If I did know all these things, why couldn’t I act on it, back then? Why couldn’t I do anything then, when it mattered? Why couldn’t I do something to save my mom and my sister? There were no other people in this world I loved more. So what stopped me then? And what if it happens again? What if something is going to happen to my dad or to Tracy or Zachary, and I have some block against it?
What if I know when people outside my family are in trouble but I can’t hear it or see it when someone related to me is in trouble? Is there someone else in this world who could care for them instead of me? Or should I be listening more closely or paying more attention? Oh man. I’m starting to feel overwhelmed again.
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